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April 7th, 2008

08:08 pm: Things are hard.
We all think that things will just work out on their own.
But most of the time you have to work at it yourself.
And make things happen.
And it is so hard. So very hard.
I’m trying very hard to be optimistic. Re reading some of my previous journals I can see how bad things were before and how depressed I was when I was back living with my parents. I’d like to say I don’t feel like that anymore, but I think that would be a lie. Maybe I have SAD cos it always seems to be around this time of year when I’m really emotional. Anyway, sometimes things seem a bit pointless. And I let the littlest things annoy me. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people who is perpetually happy and smiley and doesn’t let anything get them down. I’m sad. I get these feelings swelling up inside me starting from my stomach and rising until my head is boiling hot. Then tears pour from my eyes for no good reason. It could be anything, little things, and off I go. I worry that I’m not well. I worry that I’m just over emotional. I worry I’m just being silly. Then I chastise myself for being so self absorbed. And tell myself that it’s not just me who has a crap time. There are other people worse off than me. And that I will fulfill my potential, and to remember what I said a year ago about it being the journey there that matters. And then I tell myself that it is ok to cry and that it’s allowed, and understandable. An hour later and my face aches my sleeves are soaking in salty water and I laugh at how silly I was being and make myself a cup of tea.
I did have the hope that this would all have stopped by now. That crying in the dark would no longer be a regular pastime. That by now there would be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I guess we all have a secret hope that tomorrow will be better than today.

'You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering.'
Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Current Mood: numbnumb

December 8th, 2007

12:01 am: Gosh, Gee Whizz, Ratso...
I really have got to start curbing my language...

Anyway. it's been a while, hasn't it.
in fact, about NINE MONTHS!!!! bloody hell, and here was me thinking i'd keep this vaguely up to date. ho hum, the best laid plans and all that. anyway. I would like to say its cos life has gone brilliantly and everything is going my way and its all peachy.
Well actually to a certain extent it is.
Which is rather unnerving, as it wasnt what i was expecting.

anyway. Lets cut to the chase shall we. My fears in the previous post were allayed (if thats the right word) everything worked out alright. And I am still living with Neil in the same house (we renewed the contract cos we are having such a good time here) and i am fnding the money to cover the rent. he doesnt clean up after himself too much and i seem to be doing a lot of cooking. but other than that its all going well. we even have a proper christmas tree! (which he allowed me to put up in the last week of November cos we are going south for christmas!)

Work is going well. Yes i am still working for Nationwide (my trainer in Sevvy said Nationwide would get its grubby little claws in me and not let me go and she was right) but i had a bit of a promotion and have been working on the day shift for six months now. Its all allright really, the people are just kinda normal which is nice. I wont say thay are nice simple folk, but its nice to be with people who watch soaps and talk about soft furnishings and stuff as opposed to getting wasted every night and how well their PHD is going, you know? anyway, i got a pay rise too which is ace, although perhaps not saving as much as i should be! also am going to my first office christmas party on the 15th which should be entertaining.

Also (just to add to my workload) i am currently taking yet another course, the MA in preventive conservation at Northumbria University. im doing it distance learning (so i dont have to go to lectures) and part time (so i do it over two years). to be honest it will be really handy to have and most of it is really interesting. However im having to do some scary physics and chemistry. the chem is ok but the physics is baffling me. to be honest thats why im writing this, cos i should be doing a report that is due in on weds, but im work avoiding. im sure it will all work out eventually. and on the up side i have just heard back that i have landed a four week placement at the Bowes Museum which will be brilliant! im not managing to get any volunteer work in at the mo, what with the full time work hours and the course i dont really have the time, perhaps in the summer when i dont have as much course work to do i can get some added to my CV.

So things are all ok at the mo. the inevitable happened, after ellies contract was renewed at TWM it got cut short, and in October she moved to her new job in lancaster, which is a pain cos i dont see her much anymore. but that contract ends in march so she may come back. I was having a chat with a friend today who moved away from home to be with her bloke. and now they have broken up she is going back home. she didnt have any friends up here. It made me wonder what it would be like if i wasnt going out with Neil, not in a 'i wish i wasnt' way or anything like that. Hell no! but if the worst were to happen, how would i feel, cos i dont really have any other friends up here. But i think id be ok. i dont really have anyone anywhere else either really. yeah i have laura in london who would be nice to be nearer, but we dont have the same goals or interests. So to be honest, i think id stay here, and continue what i set out to do. Which makes me pleased, cos it confirms to me what i told my parents before i moved, that i wasnt moving to be with neil. i was moving for me, for what i wanted to do. and it worked out proper good! what with the course at northumbria and all.

i is a happy bunny.

well, a not-incredibly unhappy bunny anyway. cos of course, every year has its mega low point. i'd hoped it would be the lack of a museum job. but in september my nan died. It was a proper shock. stupid really cos she was so far gone she didnt know anyone. and she'd been saying she was gonna go for about fifty years. but still, i dont think ive been more sad in all my life. she'd be sad to know i can't think about her without crying now. I gues it's times like this when people begin to get faith. I really wish i believed in something, i wish she was somewhere she deserved to be. somewhere where everyone knew how lovely and kind she was, where she was everyones 'cuddly nanny'.

anyway, she would be pleased i was bettering myself and doing my best to be all i can be. And having a pretty alright time doing so too. I dont know how, but i think this year has been good for me, I'm growing a bit more each day, and each day i feel sturdier, more of a person. More like the person i want to be when i grow up. I dont really like the concept of a destiny, but i do think that everyone has something in them that is personal to them that they will one day achieve if they want to and if they try to. A bit like 'potential' really.

And i look forward to living up to my potential.

maybe i'll post another entry that day...

"Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do." (Pope John XXIII) [how ironic that the quote should be from a pope of all people]

Current Location: our pad!
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: A Case of You - K.D.Lang

April 9th, 2007

07:48 pm: Last one from here!!!
Right well, what should I tell you?
Should I tell you that this time tomorrow I will be on a train to Newcastle. This time the day after tomorrow I will be signing a contract. And this time the day after that I will be moving into my new house.
Gee whiz! Anyway. I am a little on the excited side, it is wonderful to find out that the thing that I thought would never come is finally here. I am moving up to Newcastle to live with Neil in our own shiny flat in an area of the toon that I really like. Especially within walking distance to a pub. What more could a girl ask for…well yes a museum job would also be welcome but hey, we cant have everything all at once now can we. And I know now that all good things come to those who wait.
Anyway, I am being rather brave with regards to the flat, as I haven’t actually seen it yet. But I do actually trust Neil’s opinion and he has seen it. It was rather odd to be honest, the way that we got it. I made two appointments to view a couple of flats. Then when I spoke to Neil tat evening I found out that he had made an appointment to view a flat, in the same street as me, which I thought was rather odd, and then we realized that it was the same flat! How spooky is that?! Anyway, I think that we were ‘destined’ to have it! Lol. Anyway, so he went and saw it and (in his words) ‘fell in love with it’ so we kinda had to have it. So yes, I now have a flat. Wowee really.
It’s kinda funny though. I am really looking forward to leaving, mainly cos I cant wait to be back in Newcastle permanently and will give me the chance to get all important ‘experience’ for my career , and also the obvious of being able to see Neil, kinda every day (albeit asleep) and to be nearer some of my friends. However (yet again, life seems to be full of howevers and buts) I do feel as though I am leaving my parents a bit in the lurch. My mom actually hugged me the other day and asked me not to go. Twas rather strange. I know that they aren’t sure about this choice, but that’s been dealt with. And I know that they actually want this to go well for me as they don’t want me to suffer or be sad in any way. But I do get the feeling that they aren’t going to cope without me here. Yes I know that is a bit big headed to think that their lives will fall apart, but still, mom especially will not have someone to speak to about the things that crop up day to day, cos a phone call isn’t quite the same. And that means that dad will have to deal with her, which to be honest he isn’t very good at. And already I’m doing that thing that I do before I leave home to go anywhere-I’m being really obnoxious and nasty to them. Its just my way of trying to make sure that they don’t miss me when I’m gone. But they should, and its not really very nice. Luckily I can see that I am doing it this time and I am trying to be nicer, it is hard though cos it is partly for my own benefit, to tell myself that I am tremendously glad to be leaving. But anyway, they have made it clear that they will aways be there to pick up the pieces whenever anything goes wrong, which is amazing. And mom even said she was proud of me the other day. Which means more to me than anything. I know, that no matter how hard I try to make it otherwise, I will always seek acknowledgement from other people, and I want my family most of all to be proud of me and what I’ve done. This is stupid I know, because you shouldn’t try to please other people, you should just get along with what you are doing and make yourself happy. But (there it is again) it is easier said than done.
Anyway, despite all of this I am still ecstatically happy and excited and nervous! I’m even a bit nervous about my job, especially since I’ve been out of it for two weeks, I hope I can manage to get back into the thrust of it again, and not let anyone down. I even had a dream about it last night, scary stuff man! hopefully i wont havre to do it for too long though, i'm not sure how much im going to be able to take of not having evenings, it's gonna take some getting used to. But i am applying for TWM jobs (although at the moment the server on the website is down so i cant send in my application which is rather annoying..GRRRRR)

But the big question on everyone’s lips is ‘will all of my stuff go in the car?’ I’m traveling up alone by train with half of my clothes tomorrow and my dad is bringing the rest of my belongings up by car on Thursday, but there does seem to be a lot of stuff. And I’ve even put a huge amount of stuff into storage for 6 months. I should probably chuck some things out, but I DO use everything I’ve got, otherwise I wouldn’t have it! Next time clearly the boy and I are going to have to rent a whole house, or at least somewhere with an attic or something so that my parents don’t have to pay for all the storage of my crap!

Anyway, other than that not much else to say, this may be my last post for a while as i dont think we can afford the internet this month!!! But i recon it's worth it :D!

Thought of the day:
Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.
Albert Einstein

Current Mood: excitedWOWEEEEEE

March 30th, 2007

05:50 pm: HAha
Your Movie Buff Quotient: 82%

You are a movie buff of the most obsessive variety. If a movie exists, chances are that you've seen it.
You're an expert on movie facts and trivia. It's hard to stump you with a question about film.

05:48 pm: why is it that i cant paste this onto my myspace???

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you.

Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible.

While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks.

Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.

March 25th, 2007

08:17 pm: evening all...
Well yet again I seem to have left you to your own devices (why is it that I feel obliged to address this diary thing as though it were a person?) but I am here, I am back, never fear (oh yes cos I can see you were missing me tremendously) have just clearly had one hell of a busy life (manical laughter) either that or I just couldn’t be arsed to post anything.

But still, I sit here eating a whole bag of tablet fudge trying not to think too much about things. But it is impossible. Life has this way of doing whatever the hell it wants and not telling you. As you can tell I’m being a little manic today perhaps it’s the fudge talking or the joy of having painted my toenails for the first time in months (I remember the time when I used to buff my nails every day and changed their colour every week…) Anyway.

Things are ok at the moment…and my situation has changed! SHOCK HORROR!
Never fear, I am still working at nationwide in Sevenoaks, and I am still living in my parents house. HOWEVER I had an interview for a transfer up to the Newcastle Nationwide and I found out a week ago that I have been offered the job. Needless to say I have accepted it. So I start on the 16th April…Which means I have to find a house in three weeks. Um, bit scared to be honest! On the one hand I am really pleased that my plans have worked out and that I will be moving out of here in April, which was the deadline that I had imposed on myself. And I am so happy to be moving back to Newcastle. And I can’t wait to get started on living on my own two feet, on my own terms. And I can’t wait to live with Neil which will be amazing. And I can’t wait to get started on doing some decent volunteering which will beef up my CV.
However, (of course, is there anything in my life that doesn’t have a however?) I am petrified. Firstly, I will be committing to probably at least a 6 month rental contract which means I cannot get a museum job outside the Tyne and Wear area. Secondly I will be working weird hours, 4 till 10 which means I won’t be able to do anything in the evenings. Thirdly I am taking a pay cut and will only be earning £6.50 an hour which doesn’t add up to much, so I will have to get another job to supplement my income. Fourthly I don’t want to have to do another job! Fifthly Ellie’s contract finishes in the beginning of may and she is mentioning that she may move away from the toon. Sixthly I have really enjoyed working in Sevenoaks so will Newcastle be as good? Seventhly do I have enough money for a deposit and first months rent cos Neil doesn’t get paid till the 14th. And finally I haven’t actually got a house up there yet and can’t go up there so Neil will have to do viewings for me, and I will have to lodge with Ellie for a bit till I finalize the details on my flat and she hasn’t checked whether this is ok with her housemates yet so I don’t know what I am doing.


So all in all I am kinda getting my way, although in the process I have been rejected by three more jobs, one in hull one in Carlisle and one in Newcastle. So my pride is feeling a bit battered as I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I have asked for feedback, although they haven’t got back to me yet. Crappy museums. And there was a little couple of days last week and the week before when I was actually having doubts about the whole museum career route. Which was bad. And made me even more scared. But I’ve kinda got over that now. Kinda. Hopefully things will sort themselves out; the best thing I recon is for me to take it one day at a time. And keep applying for museum/heritage jobs around Newcastle. One of them has got to say yes, by the laws of averages.

Ho hum.

Quote for the day :
The head never rules the heart, but it becomes its partner in crime.

Current Mood: anxiousanxious...but excited...
Current Music: sonata arctica - the cage

February 17th, 2007

03:55 pm: um...
I appear to have an interview for a job in Hull on Monday...

For a collections documentation assistant post.

And i REALLY want it!

But i'm really scared!

*crosses everything*

Current Mood: scaredscared
Current Music: if only - the kooks

February 11th, 2007

06:35 pm: lookit long time no journal...therefore i have a life, right?
Well it’s been a bit of a while hasn’t it??? I’m rather surprised at myself, normally I’m pretty good at keeping these things up to date. Hey ho never mind, I’ve still managed to keep my daily diary up to date, that’s what really matters isn’t it?

Anyhoo, I guess I’d better update you! I now have a job! Scary huh? I’m working in Sevenoaks for Nationwide building society. I process new mortgage applications. Yes I know, it’s not really museum related, and doesn’t really interest me (cos I’m hoping never to have a mortgage, and it is all just a case of inputting information onto the Access and Excel systems) but its still a job and it gives me money, and it makes the time go quickly, and it gets me out of the house, and it looks good on my CV, and I like the people I’m working with so all in all I’m pretty lucky.

Well at least that’s what I keep on telling myself. Yes it is a job, and a job is a good thing. There are many times when I wish I had done this earlier, cos people keep on asking about that couple of months at the end of last year, where I was just sitting on my arse applying for museum jobs and claming benefit. And to be honest I feel pretty crap that I have to say things like ‘I was having a break’ just to cover up the fact that I wasn’t trying that hard to get employed.
Anyway, yes it does give me money. It’s good to have money. And since I don’t really have to pay much rent to my parents, I don’t really have an active social life I can save up for something that will make me stupidly happy. The money is good, cos I’m working thro an agency so hopefully by April I will have saved up some money for a rental deposit and a months rent in advance for when I make the big move up north (more about that later).
Yes the job does make the time go quickly, most days I get there then turn around and leave, I don’t really understand how I am now entering my 4th week working for them, it’s a bit mental really, that’s like a whole month! Brilliant! And of course the quicker the time goes the sooner I can leave the south, and pursue my ‘destiny’ on my own terms, which is what keeps me going.
The fact that it gets me out of the house is brilliant, and I know people have noticed the difference in my attitude to life, and how happy I am. Being at home all that time and kinda stagnating with my parents was really not good for me. I need my own space and to have something that takes my mind off the fact that I’m not where I want to be right now. So its really good. Also the impetus to get the house properly presentable and to pack things up is gaining speed. Which obviously gets my parents in a bit of a tizzy, cos, let’s face it, neither of them want to move, but they have to. So dad does all of his tasks with reluctance and takes ages, and mom complains about hw she doesn’t know where to start and that she feels she is forcing dad to do things he doesn’t want to do and she doesn’t want to do it. So the longer I am away from home during the day the better, the less said about the weekends the better…
Anyway, the job looks really good on my CV. Mainly cos it allows me to hone up my Access and Excel abilities, which I was rather rusty on. Also the fact that I am dealing with personal information that is kinda sensitive, including bank details is really good, and shows my responsibility.
The kids I work with are a good bunch overall, (kids is a silly thing to call them cos al but one of them is older than me) they all seem a bit overworked at the moment, but that’s understandable with the numerous rate changes that we have been having recently, there’s a bit of a backlog that they have to get through. But they still seem to be all happy and get along with each other pretty well, they keep on trying to get me to agree to stay at least until May, if not October, funnily enough I keep saying ‘no’.
So all in all it’s a pretty good thing. I’m still applying for museum type jobs (of course) and probably will be till I die! There are lots going at the mo, but no one seems interested in me, I’m not sure what else I can do to show them how great I am. Anyway, the plan is to keep applying and see what happens, if I get something museumy somewhere then I will move there and see what happens. If April comes around and I don’t have a museum job, I am going to move up to Newcastle with the man and either transfer to the Newcastle Nationwide office or get another kind of job up there and continue to apply for museum jobs. Moving to Newcastle is a good plan I recon cos it will get me living in the area I want to work in, therefore I will have more chance of being short listed. It also will allow me to volunteer at museums in the city, which I can’t really do around here, I’ve tried but most of them don’t want to know, cos they are all stuck up snotty noses.

So that’s the plan, needless to say the powers that be are not too pleased about it, mainly cos they think that Kent is a better ‘base’ for searching for jobs, especially cos I’m not tied down to a rental agreement. But it makes sense to me, and I know that my quality of live will be so much greater if I move. This isn’t my main premise for moving, but it is one of the best perks ever!

Anyway, other than that not much happening, I’m just getting more and more excited about the fact it is my birthday soon and I will be going up to Newcastle to see Ellie and Neil. I really can’t wait; it’s been way too long since I was up there.

All I’m doing now is feeling a bit sad cos I’m letting other people’s opinions make me feel guilty for making my own choices. But no matter what I do I will make someone unhappy, there’s no way everyone can be pleased, so it would make sense to make myself happy, and make unhappy those who I know will love me unconditionally.

Quote for the day:
Judge a tree from it fruit; not from the leaves. Euripides

Current Location: Where do you recon?
Current Mood: energeticimpatient
Current Music: that stupid damn song that they overplay on Radio 1...grrr

January 11th, 2007

08:23 pm: Hmm....this doesn't look good...
There seems to be something very wrong with me...and i can't quite work out what the hell it is...

I can't sleep,
I'm not hungry,
I feel really drained,
I'm being very paronoid,
I'm full of self loathing,
I'm being really vile to everyone who offers me help.

if anyone has any ideas what the hell is wrong with me drop me a line!

It's really sad to be honest, cos up until this week ive been feeling ok about the situation i'm in. I've been able to tell myself that it's alright and that things will work out in the end. It's not the end of the world, and i will get where i want to be , just as long as i hold out a bit longer.

But this week, something seems to have got hold of me, and i can't shake free. I really don't know what to do. I'm just really sad. And i'm taking it out on those that care about me.

I'm really sorry.

Hopefully it's just hormones and im just being a woman, but it feels a lot worse than normal...

I guess it gives me an excuse to go eat chocolate.

Current Location: don't ask
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Fix you - Coldplay
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